


My Big Brother Sam

by herbailiwick



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Swap, Alternate Universe, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:38:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbailiwick/pseuds/herbailiwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Sam was the older brother?</p><p>The second chapter is just the notes I'd had for the next part. Sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Childhood and Season 1

"Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don't look back! Now, Sammy, go!"

Wide-eyed, Sam cradles Dean to his chest and runs out onto the grass, watching his home burn down. Dean starts to cry, so Sam tries to soothe Dean a little with some rocking motions and a poor attempt at singing "Hey Jude".

"Angels are watching over us," he says, then says it a little louder because Dean still won't calm. It's night time. That's when angels come. 

Although, maybe it's their night off, because Mom is...Mom is....

"Sammy." Sammy is safe in his daddy's arms again. He sniffles. 

"They can't fix her, can they, Daddy?" he asks John in that curious, wide-eyed way of his. 

John starts to sob and the sobbing doesn't let up for a long time.

***

"Dad says we're not supposed to talk about Mom," Dean says, fighting the odd tickle in his throat.

"Screw dad," Sam says, but he's not angry, really, he's all-knowing and affectionate, and he says, "She's your mother, Dean. You have a right to know." And with tears in his own eyes and a smile on his face, he starts with her make-up table and how pretty he always thought it looked, moves on to how she'd let him wear some of her amulets.

"I didn't know they were amulets at the time," Sam reminds Dean. He always reminds Dean that things were different then, Dean thinks maybe so Dean won't mess things up for Dad and Sam again. "She'd brush out her hair at night. No one would salt the doors and windows before bed, we'd just...get ready for bed like normal people. And...she was beautiful, Dean. But not just in looks. I mean she was...beautiful, bone-deep, just saturated with...strength and hope."

Dean starts to cry silently, and Sam trails off.

"Dean! Dean? It's okay."

Dean lowers his head.

"Dean, buddy?" Sam reaches out a hand, carefully running his fingers through Dean's hair.

Dean doesn't know how to voice his guilt yet, so he just cries.

***

"Why are you so mad at Dad? He shot the thing. I mean, yeah, he missed," Dean says with a hint of embarrassment for their father, "but he did his best."

Sam shakes his head, tears in his eyes. "I don't think so, Dean."

"Cut him some slack!" Dean begs. He hates when Sam gets on their father's case. He hates when they fight.

"Dean, I think he used you as bait this time," Sam sniffs furiously, wiping at his face.

Dean sort of sits there feeling frozen inside, and very scared.

"I love you," Sam says heatedly. "You're my responsibility, right? And I know he's our dad, but sometimes I just feel like I gotta protect you, even from him."

"You're so mean to Dad," Dean says, bursting into tears finally, and not for the first time that night. "He's just trying to save everybody else. It's okay if I'm bait. It's okay."

Sam reaches out, rests his hand on his little brother's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "It's not okay."

"Dad didn't even want me to know about this stuff, Sam," Dean shudders, sort of launching himself forward, grasping Sam's t-shirt, pulling his brother to him. "I don't want to know about it."

"I wish you didn't know," Sam says, curling Dean close, pulling him onto his lap on the other bed. "I wish  _I_  didn't know. I wish Dad didn't, I wish this stuff wasn't real, I wish we had a  _house_ , with  _Mom_ ," he sniffs. "Um. Hey, wanna pick something to watch before we go to bed?"

"Okay," Dean says finally. "But no homework," he decides, nuzzling Sam's shirt with his snot-covered face. "You have to watch with me."

Sam sighs deeply, but seems to accept the terms of the deal. Sometimes, he wishes Dean could be ignorant about it all, and he tries not to scare him too badly, but he's always refused to keep big stuff from Dean. He doesn't like the way their father keeps secrets from them that end up hurting them. He doesn't want to be that kind of "parent" to Dean too.

***

"Stop talking about Mom."

Sam pauses, pencil stopping on the page of his math homework. He tilts his head. "No. Why?"

"I'm sick of your stupid voice."

It takes a few more protests from Dean over time for Sam to ask, "Alright, Dean. Spill. I _will_ tickle you if you don't."

"You are _such_ a nerd!" Dean laments.

Sam twitches his fingers toward Dean, waggles his brows with the promise of a guy who always tries to follow through.

"Okay!" Dean spits out quickly. He just can't take the embarrassment, not on top of the guilt he's been storing up. "It's just," he swallows. "You know, the whole...Mom...thing. It's my fault, Sam. I get that. But I don't always want to hear about it."

"Dean!" Sam says, voice small and shocked, and his hands are in the air still, slightly curled, like he's forgotten he _has_ hands, and he says, "Dean, it's _not_."

" _My_ nursery, Sam."

"So, what, if a ghost killed another kid's mom in their bedroom, it would be the kid's fault?"

Dean frowns. "What?"

"Something did that to Mom, Dean. But that something wasn't you, okay?" Dean looks at him uncertainly. "That something wasn't you," Sam repeats more intently. Slowly, Dean nods a little.

"I don't care why the thing did it. Yeah, she might have been saving you, Dean. But if she hadn't saved you, I wouldn't have you. I love Mom, and I miss her every day, but you're important to me, Dean. Don't you know that?" Sam asks, concerned.

***

"I want you to have this."

"What? But...I can't."

"Dad didn't make it back in time," Sam shrugs. "See what you think, alright?" He watches his little brother slowly open the newspaper wrapping and find the amulet. 

"Thank you, Sam. I-I love it," Dean just barely manages, staring.

"Dad's a dick," Sam comments, and Dean slowly nods as he admires the amulet. 

"You said Mom had a lot of amulets? Anything like this?"

"Sort of! Um. No," Sam admits, "not really. But Bobby said it was special. Special enough for you, anyway." Sam ruffles Dean's hair. "Put it on, Dean," he instructs, and he grins when Dean does, proud of Dean for doing nothing but accepting a gift.

***

"Are you gay?"

"What?"

Dean tries to concentrate on his history book. "Are you gay?" he asks again.

"What would even make you...no. No, I'm not."

"You never go with any of the girls when they ask you."

Sam laughs. "Dean, there's more to a relationship than one night of fun, okay? I just want something that'll last. Maybe that'll never happen, with this life. Maybe I'll get out of this life, though, you know? And you too, I'd get you out too."

Dean swallows guiltily. He likes their life. He's good at it. He's not good at history.

"I'm not gay," Sam clarifies again. "I'm just...old-fashioned, maybe. I don't have to sleep around just to prove myself." 

"Will I be gay?"

Sam snorts. "Dean, you're twelve. Let's not worry about it, okay? If you turn out to be gay, you'll be gay. And I gotta think there's some kind of in-between too. People aren't all black-and-white."

"You mean like...some people like...everyone?" Dean says, feeling a little dizzy. "That's fucked up."

"Maybe," Sam says, amused. "Maybe just a little."

***

"God, Sam, why do you care so much?"

"Because, Dean," Sam says, putting on that I'm-too-serious face, "I once pulled you from a fire. Things changed. Taking care of you...it's what I do." He shoots Dean a soft, sad smile, the patented it's-what-I-do smile that makes Dean happy but also makes him want to squirm.

***

"We're not doing that. Dad, this is too risky."

Dean looks from his brother to his father, biting his lip. He's officially been a teenager for like three days, and he's being pitted in another fight like this. He hates it. He'd thought maybe turning 13 might help somehow, like he wouldn't be a kid anymore. He still feels young, and scared, and easy to overwhelm, easy to drag around between his brother and his father.

He heads over to the wall, tempted to repin something so that it's not all so _straight_. His dad and brother are crazy that way.

"Well, Dean?" Dad asks. "What'll it be?"

Dean looks sadly at Sam.

Suddenly, Sam understands. He heads outside to take a breath, to take in some air, maybe take a walk. 

Dean likes to hunt. Sam doesn't get it, not really. But Dean likes to hunt.

***

"You'll be fine, Dean," Sam says warmly, and Dean's breath hitches as he holds Sam, already missing him. "You and Dad get along."

Except, Dean's scared of Dad.

"I'll come visit. I don't care what Dad said, I'm gonna visit you as much as I want. You're half mine," Sam teases, petting Dean's hair. Dean tells him to go screw himself with all the affection in the world and half the pain.

***

Sam sends money home. Sam visits Dean when he's getting his bachelor's degree. Sam has a beautiful girlfriend named Jess who comes with him and Dean secretly kind of hates her because she has Sam's attention, but Sam's attention is still very much on him when they're together. Sam loves him.

Dad doesn't like Jess, and he's rude to her, but she puts him in his place, which impresses all of them, even Sam.

Dean graduates, and Sam and Jess are in the audience and they take him out for ice-cream, and even Dad joins them. Sam and Jess's happiness is stupid but sort of infectious. Dean thinks it makes Dad miss Mom, though. He can't really remember what they were like together, but from what Sam's told him, it would make sense.

Sam goes to law school. When he finishes, Dean is 21. 

Dean gets a girlfriend, and when Dean is 22, she burns up on the ceiling. Sam doesn't quit his job right away. Dean's been trying to hide his father's mistreatment of him, but Sam with his life experience and his understanding of such things from a third-party perspective. suddenly understands.

So he takes a break from working as a lawyer. 

And Jess wants some explanation, and then she wants some training. 

And Jess and Sam take Dean on the road to clear his head, to hunt things, to follow the trail of breadcrumbs left by the father Dean can't let go of.

And the visions increase in frequency.


	2. Notes for Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are my notes I had been sitting on for a long time. I never used them. Sorry this isn't as good as a next part, because it's random pieces, but here you go.
> 
> Tagging it self-harm just to be sure.

Dean takes his father's sacrifice really hard. It doesn't help that he feels like he's turning into something dark and evil. Sam doesn't think so, because he's still Dean. There are certainly dark things at play, though, Sam will admit. Dark enough that Dean dies while Sam holds him, while Bobby tears after the guy who did it and Jess stares in shock.

Sam sort of goes cold and unresponsive. Until he finds out Jess has made a deal, and he responds. He's angry, but he wishes he could be angrier. That's his Jess, though, independent and impulsive with just a hint of crazy, and he yells, and he tries to get her to break the deal, but she won't do it.

And Dean gets pissed at Jess too, but she doesn't care. 

"It's ten years," she says with a big smile that Sam both hates and loves. "It's ten long years."

"Actually, that's pretty standard," Sam says quietly. She leans in and nuzzles his cheek.

"Look. I just know you two are better together," she says. "So I'm not gonna apologize." 

And she never does.

***

Every bone in Dean's body wants to kill Reuben when he reveals he's a demon, but he doesn't really know how exactly he'd pull it off without Reuben's nifty little knife.

Jess doesn't trust Reuben, but Sam seems to sympathize with Reuben's stories about being human, with his stories about Hell and what it's like.

Jess tells Sam to stop being so naive, but she admires that about Sam too.

Lilith wants Dean's head on a platter. Dean wants Lilith out of their hair once and for all. Bela Talbot wants to get out of her deal.

Lilith lets her off without killing Dean, because at least she kills Sam. Bela nearly doesn't make it out, with the way that Jess attacks.

Dean secretly blames Jess for letting Bela get away, but he blames himself more. 

***

No one will make a deal with Dean, and he's pretty sure Jess can't make another one. He has little to no hope left in him at all by the time Reuben shows up in a new meat suit. 

Reuben's a little softer, a little more supportive, a little more like Sam. When Dean tells Reuben to leave him alone, he leaves him alone. When Dean is sitting at a diner wondering why he's just not even hungry for his usual order, Reuben shows up to steal a couple fries, and it's kind of familiar, kind of nice.

"You know, you still have powers," Reuben says. "I could help you realize your potential."

"Yeah, Satan's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? No thanks, Dumblewhore."

Reuben rolls his eyes. "Your brother's right. You really are a jerk."

"Don't talk about him. Ever," Dean warns.

So Reuben doesn't talk about Sam. 

***

In Hell, they mock Sam by calling him The Righteous Man. They tell him about how much they adore his brother, how badly they hurt his father and how weak his father was for just taking it, but Sam knows better when it comes to weakness.

They tell him if he just spills some blood, if he just spills a little blood, there might be some rest from the torment.

So, defiantly, when they let him off the rack, he spills his own. He loves loopholes.

And then, when they trust he's been tortured enough to want to change his mind, he spills his own again.

And they find that boring.

But an angel thinks that's good enough.

***

Sam is very quiet when he comes back. He smiles sadly at familiar things and he touches Dean more often, ruffles his hair and gives quick little half-embraces, having apparently missed gentle human contact.

He doesn't comment when Dean wants to drive. He doesn't complain about the music. He smiles at Jess and he laughs oddly emptily at her jokes, but he still looks at Dean and Jess with affection and concern.

He's even nicer to Reuben than he was before. He invites Reuben to eat with them sometimes, says he understands that Hell is like hell. Dean thinks Reuben kind of has a crush on his brother, which is weird because...uh. Because Dean and Reuben have experimented.

Dean wonders what Sam's hand print is all about. Sam says he doesn't want to know. Jess and Dean press, though, and they research, even stopping at Bobby's. 

When Pamela wants to see the thing's face and the table starts to shake, Sam gets scared and lets go of everyone's hands and tells her to stop. He stands and sort of paces as they watch him, as the room settles down. Sam takes in deep breaths, and Jessica runs over and holds him for a while.

"We need to stop." Sam shakes his head. "You heard Reuben. You heard the other demons. It's powerful. I don't want to make it mad." He swallows.

Concerned for him, Dean and Jess summon Castiel together while Sam half-heartedly attempts more research at Bobby's.

Castiel is an angel of the Lord, apparently. Dean thinks that's bullshit, and yet...Sam always used to tell him angels were watching him when he slept. Jess also thinks it's bullshit. Except, she also thinks it might be true.

They decide to keep Castiel their secret for a while.

***

Castiel tells Dean he needs to stop drinking Reuben's blood. Dean tells Jessica what he's been up to, and she understands wanting revenge on Lilith. Bela was just desperate, it's Lilith they want, and Reuben's helping them. It's hard not to like the new Reuben, and Sam seems to trust him.

The powers scare Dean a little, but he's saving people, and that's what they're supposed to do.

Sam finds Dean's powers amazing. 

"This proves it!" Sam says excitedly when he finds out. "This proves it's not just a bad thing, Dean. You can do good things with these powers." And he's brimming with so much pride he looks like he's gonna cry.

"If you want this, I want this. Castiel...is an angel, and I get that. But this is our fight, you know? He's not in on this thing with Lilith."

Dean thinks Sam sort of has a point. Jess tells them to be careful, that Dean might find his powers hard to control, that he might have an addiction already.

None of them suspect Reuben's ultimate betrayal to be so big. Jess stabs Reuben and twists the knife. Dean tries to apologize, but they just try to pull him out. He resists, watching the light start to appear.

The three of them end up on a plane.

***

Dean is full of "I'm sorries" and "I told you sos". Jess and Sam remind him all of them were on the same page, all of them were wrong.

"I'm really the one that told you guys so," Jess says. "There was something off about that kid."

Dean asks for some breathing room, so they part ways.

Sam wakes up in the future where the Croatoan virus is a fact of life. He meets up with his future self, convinces him it's really him, they agree that angels are kind of douchier than they expected, and he is pulled up to speed by his future self and his future Jess and future Castiel, who has sort of broken down and apparently gotten all humany on them. They think the time travel is crazy, but they're used to crazy.

The first time Sam is ever really scared of Dean is when Lucifer's inside of him in the garden and he steps on future Sam's neck and talks to him about the beauty of the world and about what he thinks of God's plan.

Jess is the one who notices when a boy named Gary Frankel switches places with Dean.

Sam 

***

Ten years after Jess made her deal for Dean's life, the dog comes for her. And then Sam ends up taking her from Hell up to Heaven, hoping to see her when she gets there.


End file.
